35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child

Book Description
If you know a child or teen who has experienced a death, this guidebook presents you with simple and practical suggestions for how to support him or her. Learn what behaviors and reactions to expect from children at different ages, ways to create safe outlets for children to express their thoughts and feelings and how to be supportive during special events such as the memorial service, anniversaries and holidays.


About the Author
Since 1983, The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families has provided loving support in a safe place where children, teens and their families grieving a death can share their experiences as they move through their healing process. Based in Portland, Oregon, The Dougy Center works regionally, nationally and internationally to provide support and training to individuals and organizations seeking to assist children in grief. The Dougy Center is supported solely through private support from individuals, foundations and companies, and receives no state or federal funding. The Dougy Center does not charge a fee for its services.


Excerpted from 35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child by Dougy Center Staff, The Dougy Center for Grieving Child. Copyright © 1999. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Listen. After a death, many children want to share their story. They may want to tell you what happened, where they were when they were told about the death, and what it was like for them. Telling their story is a healing experience. One of the best ways adults can help young grievers is to listen to their stories. As adults, we're often too quick to offer advice, give opinions and make judgments. We think we know what's best for our children, and we want to make sure they get the right information. But while we're busy talking, sometimes we miss important messages from children about what they need and how we can best help them. Suggestions for being a good listener: Don't give advice or make judgments. Reflect back what the child said using the child's words. Paraphrase the child's words. Ask clarifying questions. Here's an example of a child's statement and adult responses using the above suggestions: Child- "My daddy died in a plane crash. At first, I was sad. But then I was so angry when I found out they let him fly when it was a storm. I yelled at the guy from the airline. I hate him." Don't: Give advice or make judgments: Adult- "Hate is a very strong word. You probably don't hate him. You're mad now, but you'll get over it. It's a horrible thing that happened. Do: Reflect back what the child said using the child's words: Adult- "So your dad died in a plane crash. You felt sad at first, but then you were angry because they let him fly when the weather was stormy. So you yelled at the guy at the airline, and you feel that you hate him." Paraphrase the child's words: Adult- "It sounds like you felt many different feelings after your dad died. Sad feelings. Mad feelings and feelings of hate." Ask clarifying questions: "So what was it like when you felt all those different feelings?" "So what kinds of things do you do when you feel sad? Or angry?"


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If you know a child who has experienced the death of a parent, caregiver, sibling, grandparent or friend, you may have wondered how to support them. This guidebook presents simple and practical suggestions drawn from the experiences of thousands of grieving children and teens about what helps and what doesn't. Learn what to expect from grieving children at different ages, how to provide safe outlets for children to express their thoughts and feelings, and how to support them during the memorial service, holidays and anniversaries.


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