Dating Design Patterns

Slashdot, prostoalex, April 2004
The authors assure [us] that the benefits of successful implementation outweigh the amount of resources that need to be dedicated.

Ken Arnold, coauthor of "The Java Programming Language"
"I'm going to find whoever told me that geekdom was a celibate profession and make them eat this book!"

Joe Litton, November 2003, www.joelitton.net
"This might be the greatest breakthrough in the history of geekdom...brilliantly funny."

Alistair Cockburn, author of "Agile Software Development"
"I laughed so hard I dropped my copy in the bathtub."

Ken Arnold, coauthor of The Java Programming Language
This book makes an excellent footrest for position #87 [of Trojan Proxy], especially if using the optional watermelon.

Book Description
The Design Patterns Conspiracy: How It All Happened When the Gang, as well as Grady, Christopher, and the Fifth member of the Gang of Four, Steve Swillvellis, were in college, they invented the ultimate reusable set of patterns for the most complex system of interactions available: dating. Their success with women was famous throughout the state. As Christopher said at the time, "Do you have any idea how unusual that is, for guys who read Knuth for fun?" Then the sweet smell of success turned bitter. They realized that their grades were slipping, they were no longer as interested in computer science, and that they had more than once considered careers in marketing. They realized that while it is extremely pleasurable to have the dating world by the tail, that there were Higher Considerations. The scientific advancement and the economy of the world would be destroyed if all geeks were out dancing on Saturday nights instead of debugging. So they suppressed their work and, to distract those who had heard of their remarkable book on patterns, they produced Design Patterns instead. The dating work remained suppressed until the Fifth member of the Gang of Four could keep silent no longer and brought forth the original WordStar manuscripts, additional notes still penciled in the margins. He asked the Gang of Females to edit and publish the work.

From the Inside Flap
When the Gang, as well as Grady, Christopher, and the Fifth member of the Gang of Four, Steve Swillvellis, were in college, they invented the ultimate reusable set of patterns for the most complex system of interactions available: dating. Their success with women was famous throughout the state. As Christopher said at the time, “Do you have any idea how unusual that is, for guys who read Knuth for fun?” Then the sweet smell of success turned bitter. They realized that their grades were slipping, they were no longer as interested in computer science, and that they had more than once considered careers in marketing. They realized that while it is extremely pleasurable to have the dating world by the tail, that there were Higher Considerations. The scientific advancement and the economy of the world would be destroyed if all geeks were out dancing on Saturday nights instead of debugging. So they suppressed their work and, to distract those who had heard of their remarkable book on patterns, they produced Design Patterns instead. The dating work remained suppressed until the Fifth member of the Gang of Four could keep silent no longer and brought forth the original WordStar manuscripts, additional notes still penciled in the margins. He asked the Gang of Females to edit and publish the work.

About the Author
Solveig Haugland is an author, instructor, and course developer with a few too many ideas.

Excerpted from Dating Design Patterns by Solveig Haugland. Copyright © 2003. Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Dating Design Patterns: Diagram and Patterns List Following are the Gang of Four's ground-breaking dating patterns. Whether you go with a standard groundwork pattern plus Fifth Position Break, or whether you approach it from an Exposed Collector standpoint, your dating life will be far more predictable and satisfying. These patterns show, even more than the software Design Patterns book, the genius of the gang of four's pattern knowledge and the superiority of the scientific approach to social paired programing. * Pan-Dimensional Renaissance Differentiator: Perfecting the well-rounded appeal women love. Also includes differentiation from other competitors for scarce female resources. * Jini Singles Bar: Requesting what you want to achieve, not a specific set of characteristics or a name that you think will get you that. Includes Wide-Parameter Load strategy for geometric enlargement of dating pool. * Fifth Position Break: Simply uses the social structure available to skilled dancers to allow any man contact with any woman in the room. Called “the Ultimate pattern.” * Half Bad Boy Plus Protocol: Structuring one’s appeal based on equal parts considerate gentlemanly attributes and “bad boy” behavior or facade. * Cary Grant Helper: Originally called “Pull out a chair, get laid,” the gist is that the classic gentlemanly behavior cannot be unappealing. Implements the Gentleman 1.0 specification. * Bridge Interpreter: Covers how to obtain one or more expert female friend consultants (FFCs) and leverage their expertise for maximum understanding and prediction of the FEMALE API. * Friendzone Bridge: Actually more of a refactoring, this includes a variety of tested, reliable techniques for escaping a female’s friendzone designation. * Dating Savant: Feigning ignorance of a location, topic, or the time and passing request parameters to the target female. * Carl Cassel Connection Pool: Create conversational object connection pool to create interested listener without taxing system resources. * Interested Listener: Creates highly differentiated and desirable attributes by reversing process and eliciting talk from the female. Also much easier on system resources. * Optimistic Persistence, a.k.a. Surprise Statefulness: Store small unique key data and create impressed listener by retrieving it. Females consider retrieval of data regarding anyone but himself or any sports figure highly unusual in a man, and likewise highly valuable and appealing. * Mediator: A third party, presumed neutral, provides positive information about you to the target female. * goto Guy: Becoming an expert technical resource for semi or nontechnical but toothsome coworkers. Best backed up with a few Friendzone refactorings or Mediator. * Decorated Visitor Honeypot: Establishing an appealing environment for women to induce visitors, with no on-the-fly use of system resources. * Exposed Collector: How to expose one’s appealing services in environments with maximum targets and minimum competition. * Trojan Proxy: An extremely effective, low-risk high-planning pattern for connecting through a third-party safe proxy. Strategies include children, pets, female friends, and married male friends. * Unexpected Resource God: Maintaining a large pool of resources women typically need, and creating a connection through replying to requests or broadcasting list of resources. Large rucksack is recommended * Reverse Polarity: Create surprise and reverse reactions through prepared, confident responses when a request for a session is denied. * Encapsulated Big Fat Opening: Creating a sandbox environment for a female to request the pleasure of your company while still claiming encapsulated intentions. * Disinterested Requestor: One of the most remarkable and daring of the dating design patterns. Low interest in the man requesting a date creates a vacuum which is filled by interest in the female. Use cautiously. * Classic Method Call: The recommended parameters for Just Asking. * Date Cycle: Classic guidelines for first, second, and third dates. * Structured Exposure, a.k.a. Container-Managed Dating: How to use commonly available dating containers to achieve maximum sessions with less time and effort and an array of services you don’t have to write yourself.


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