Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songbook

From the Inside Flap
Somewhere, someone is having a perfect Christmas, filled with chestnuts roasting and sleigh bells ringing…

Screw ‘em.

Most of us are having just the opposite: a nutcrackin’ nightmare of anger, hurt feelings, evil in-laws, and carbs beyond counting. A time when grudges grow and gasses pass. A time of maxed-out credit cards and a ham that the vegetarians are ready to hurl through the frosty window.

It’s that holidays that we celebrate here.

Evil little brothers, pregnant tattooed sisters, horny dogs, and cross-dressing dads–they’re all here, ready to spread their Christmas cheer. So untangle the lights, spill some eggnog, and gather ‘round the place where happier families would have a piano. Now prepare to enjoy all the carols you love–with new lyrics you’ll love even more. “O Holy Fight,” “Silent Wife,” and “Grandpa Fell” (the ballad of Gramps and his bourbon, set to the tune of “Jingle Bells”). Yes, all your old favorites are here, with words that express, at last, the true sentiments of the season.

Remember: We wish you a Merry Christmas! But we can’t guarantee it.


About the Author

The author or coauthor of sixteen books, including How to Dad, O.J.’s Legal Pad, Where’s Saddam?, and the New York Times #1 bestseller, What They Don’t Teach You at Harvard Business School, JOHN BOSWELL is a book packager and agent in New York. LENORE SKENAZY is an op-ed columnist at the New York Daily News and a frequent commentator on NPR’s “All Things Considered.” Also a contributor to Mad magazine, she lives in New York.


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Here, at long last, is the holiday songbook your family has been waiting for, filled with beloved Christmas songs whose lyrics exquisitely express the REAL sentiment of the season: grandpa needs to stop pinching bottoms, grandma needs to take it easy on the botox, and the family's little beauty queen needs to stop practicing her pageant fire-baton routine before someone really gets hurt.
The fact is, the nuclear family exploded in a mushroom cloud of dysfunction years ago, so gather round the white plasticine Christmas tree, torch up the ol' gas yule log, and belt out such merry carols as "Grandpa Fell"* and "Slutty Night," an ode to Uncle Lester and his exotic dancer girlfriend.
Christmas is the perfect time for thousands of frantic, stressed-out shoppers to impulsively buy any Christmas-themed book they can get their scrabbling hands on; for that reason alone, The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songbook is destined to become a timeless classic. Coincidentally, it's also side-splittingly hilarious and handsomely packaged in an irresistible, two-color volume, perfect for gift-giving. Either way, this little treasure puts the fun back in dysfunctional.

*GRANDPA FELL
(To "Jingle Bells")
Lying in the snow
With his bourbon at his side
Grandpa's moving slow
Mouth hung open wide
Eyes like soft-boiled eggs
A-searching for his drink
He cannot move his legs and things are getting bad I think
Oh!
Grandpa fell, Grandpa fell, Grandpa fell down drunk
Oh how sad to see the geezer freeze into a chunk!


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