The Best-Case Scenario Handbook: A Parody

From Publishers Weekly
This amusing parody of the already tongue-in-cheek Worst-Case Scenario books offers readers tips on how to cope with a world that's secretly conspiring to help them out. Times writer Tierney's facetious advice is directed towards those for whom sex, wealth and vengeance fantasies have come to life. How about: "What to do when a drunken Bill Gates rear-ends your car and mumbles 'isn't there some way we can work this out without the police'"? Or: "How to manage tensions when you are promoted over the head of your insufferable boss." Should the latter happen, Tierney says, then by all means "greet him heartily, assuring him he can keep his office 'for now.'" Although Tierney includes a few scenarios that go on a bit too long, and ends with an slightly off-key Panglossian ode to modernity (the "Ultimate Best-Case Scenario"), the book is a droll send-up of both our daydreams of good fortune and those who already enjoy it. Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.


Book Description
Amazing how well prepared we are for the worst, knowing just what to do when a bus careens out of control, a bear makes an angry charge, or a blind date has bad breath. But what happens when that last powerball number comes up--and you have a perfect match? Or when, in front of a televised audience of millions, the voice says "And the award goes to..."--and it's your name?

The Best-Case Scenrio Handbook shows readers how to cope with sudden wealth, power, love, success, and earthly glory. In scenario after scenario, it's what to do when life takes a turn for the lucky. When, for example, your car is rear-ended by another vehicle on a country road and Bill Gates stumbles out and slurs, "What'll it take to make this go away?" When Yale University accidentally admits your child--with a full scholarship. When an ATM machine goes berserk and starts spewing cash. When your husband says, "Dear, if we're going to spend $5,000 on a dress, don't you need the right necklace to go with it?" There are tips on how to accept an Oscar, sleep in First Class, shop for a private plane, take the presidential oath, and handle a polite, friendly teenage child.

The Best-Case Scenario Handbook combines practical information (what do experts advise lottery winners?) with shrewd social strategy, and is illustrated throughout with first-aid-manual style black-and-white line drawings.


About the Author
JOHN TIERNEY is a columnist and writer for The New York Times. He recently won his second Nobel Prize and is often mistaken for Brad Pitt.


Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
How to Cope With a Broken ATM That Will Not Stop Dispensing Cash1. Remain calm. Do not try to repair the machine. The job can be done safely only by a certified technician2. Make sure you're alone. If others are present, show no surprise as the machine spews thousands of dollars. Explain politely: "I'm afraid I'll be a while. Do you mind going somewhere else? I'd appreciate some privacy." Deflect questions by saying you have "one of those new platinum cards." If anyone lingers, put on an official air. Pick up the machine's service telephone, if there is one, or lean toward an imaginary microphone on the machine. Speak loudly: "Security. Code 23. Proceed to shutdown mode. Secure perimeter." Tersely order the bystander to exit. If anyone still lingers, put your face within three inches of his face and snarl, "This is a robbery, you expletive moron. You've got three seconds before we blow your fat expletive head off." Start counting.3. Check to see if there are any security cameras. If not, proceed to Step 4. If there are security cameras, leave the money in front of the machine as though you want no part of it. Pick up the service telephone, if there is one, or pretend to look for an emergency phone number on the machine. Suddenly throw your hands up in the air. Slowly turn around and gaze in terror at an imaginary armed assailant beyond camera range. Nod obediently. Carry the money to the imaginary assailant. 4. Take the money and don't run. Stuff the bills into your pockets and clothing. Tighten your belt before dumping cash inside your shirt or blouse. For more storage space, tuck your pants into your socks, cyclist-style. To turn a sweater into a valise, seal one sleeve by knotting it at the cuff and use the other sleeve to cinch the sweater just below the neckband. Walk calmly away from the ATM. 5. Stash the cash. Hid it in a secure place unlikely to be searched by the police. Make no suspiciously large expenditures of cash for at least a year. 6. Tell no one. Any revelation makes you vulnerable to legal action as well as the expectation by your friends that you'll always be picking up the check. If you enacted the hold-up drama for the security camera, immediately report your driver's license stolen and get a new one. If bank or police officials later question you, say the assailant took your license and threatened to hunt you down if you reported the crime. If bank officials continue harassing you, ask them why security was so poor at the ATM facility. Tell them you've been advised to sue. Mention your recurring nightmares.


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This amusing parody of the already tongue-in-cheek Worst-Case Scenario books offers readers tips on how to cope with a world that's secretly conspiring to help them out. Times writer Tierney's facetious advice is directed towards those for whom sex, wealth and vengeance fantasies have come to life. How about: "What to do when a drunken Bill Gates rear-ends your car and mumbles 'isn't there some way we can work this out without the police'"? Or: "How to manage tensions when you are promoted over the head of your insufferable boss." Should the latter happen, Tierney says, then by all means "[g]reet him heartily, assuring him he can keep his office 'for now.'" Although Tierney includes a few scenarios that go on a bit too long, and ends with an slightly off-key Panglossian ode to modernity (the "Ultimate Best-Case Scenario"), the book is a droll send-up of both our daydreams of good fortune and those who already enjoy it. (Oct. 25) Copyright 2003 Cahners Business Information.


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