The Second Family: Dealing with Peer Power, Pop Culture, the Wall of Silence -- and Other Challenges of Raising Today's Teens
- Book Review,
by Ron Taffel
From Publishers Weekly
In the wake of the massacre at Columbine High School, child and family therapist Taffel and writer Blau (authors of Parenting by Heart) contend that parental anxiety about teen violence is misplaced, when the real danger is that "children are somehow slipping away." Packed with gripping stories drawn from kids he's helped in his private practice and from more than 200 interviews, Taffel's book explains why it is imperative that parents extend "the empathic envelope," or balance empathy and expectations, to reach their kids. The culprit, as Taffel sees it, is not peer pressure per se, but the enticements of what he terms "the second family," or the combined effects of pop culture and peers. For kids on today's so-called Planet Youth, belonging means not imposing one's values, and fun and comfort are paramount. Despite the pervasiveness of teen lying, the allure of sex with many partners and the easy availability of drugs and alcohol starting in the sixth and seventh grades, Taffel holds out hope to struggling parents that it is possible to rein in out-of-control teens. He encourages parents to "listen without judging," and to regard phone time, e-mail and privacy as privileges that can be withdrawn as punishments. In today's fast-paced world, he believes parents shouldn't wait for big red flag issues, like lower grades, before they get to the heart of what's going on with their kids. Taffel's suggestion that parents carve out comfort time, as opposed to quality time, may seem like old-fashioned advice, but his frank quotations of real, R-rated teenage talk prove that he's in tune with the pulse of contemporary, urban teenage culture. Agent, Eileen Cope, Lowenstein and Associates. (Mar.) Forecast: Boosted by a national media tour, Taffel's detailed look at the lives of contemporary teens, combined with his measured advice, makes this a thoughtful complement to recent first-person accounts of parenting difficult adolescents, such as Martha Tod Dudman's Augusta, Gone (see review below) and Adair Lara's Hold Me Close, Let Me Go (Forecasts, Dec. 11, 2000). Displaying these titles together could boost sales of each.Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
Twenty-five years as a counselor did not prepare Taffel (Nurturing Good Children Now) to deal with this country's latest generation of teenagers. In this eye-opening work, he tracks adolescents' defection from the "first family" (Mom, Dad, and siblings) for the "second family" (the peer group and pop culture). This is not, he argues, an angry or rebellious culture but a comfort-seeking one be it with sex, drugs, recreation, body sculpture, and consumer items. Taffel is at his best explaining why today's teens are so disdainful and disconnected from their families. Using a blend of compassion and consequences, parents need to listen to their teens, to try to understand their wants, and to balance those wants with responsible family behavior. Though open and accepting in tone, Taffel does not endorse rude, amoral, or vulgar behavior. He recognizes where teens have gone wrong but also acknowledges their progress: fewer trends separating the sexes an openness unheard of 20 years ago and a real sense of altruism. This is a probing look into the often misunderstood phenomenon of teen culture, coupled with good answers for uninvolved, oh-let-them-have-what-they-want parents. Highly recommended for social science as well as child-rearing collections. Linda Beck, Indian Valley P.L., Telford, PA Copyright 2001 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Booklist
Aided by his frequent coauthor, Blau, family therapist Taffel describes modern teen life, the phenomenon of teens building relationships with friends--"second families"--that rival and sometimes supplant those with family members, and how parents can understand and deal with those peer relationships. Within those second families, teens aren't so much rebelling against adult life as taking aspects of it to extremes, particularly the alienating, materialistic, and dangerous cultural trends that parents worry about. Taffel interviewed a broad spectrum of teens and their parents and offers frank, sometimes disturbing accounts of teen sex, drug and alcohol abuse, lying, cheating, and more. He cites the usual suspects--divorce, two-income families, increased mobility, burgeoning technology, moral relativism--as reasons for teen alienation from families. He helps parents understand that teens are seeking comfort and acceptance in the second family, which, he contends, isn't a completely malevolent force; and he advises how to deal with what he calls "the empathic envelope" for balancing compassion and expectations. Though sometimes distressing, this is a valuable resource for parents. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
Book Description
If you have a teen or pre-teen, you recognize the phenomenon already-perhaps without even knowing it has a name. "The second family," as uncompromisingly described by renowned therapist Dr. Ron Taffel is the immense collective power of the peer group and pop culture-a force so pervasive, it threatens to, and often succeeds in, overwhelming the first family of adults at home and in school. Derived from thousands of interviews with kids and adults, The Second Family uses real-life, sometimes graphic examples to bare the truth about the world of adolescence today and to illuminate the new set of rules by which kids operate.
The second family can be scary to adults. While many parents bury their heads, insisting "not my child," Taffel reveals that even "good" children:
- Chronically lie without a trace of guilt
- Have sex at astonishingly early ages
- Do drugs and alcohol not to be bad but simply because they are there
Yet there are healthy aspects to the second family that often go unrecognized:
- A secret moral code of peer support that will surprise you
- Boys and girls as best friends
- Boys taking care of friends in emotional need
- Girls becoming powerful group leaders
- A social structure for teens that provides a type of intimacy, support, communication and honesty he or she can't find anywhere else.
It is impossible to understand today's teens or preteens without understanding the Second Family. Taffel opens a window into a closed world of frightening dangers and equally uplifting possibilities.
About the Author
Dr. Ron Taffel is a noted child and family therapist and author of Parenting by Heart, Why Parents Disagree, Nurturing Good Children Now, and a guide for child professionals, Getting Through to Difficult Kids and Parents. He consults with and lectures at school, religious, and community organizations around the country. He is an award-winning contributing editor to Parents magazine and the founder of Family and Couples Treatment Services at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy in New York City, where he lives with his wife and children.
Melinda Blau, an award-winning journalist who often specializes in parenting issues, is the author of Families Apart and Loving and Listening, as well as coauthor of several other books including Dr. Taffel's Parenting By Heart and Nurturing Good Children Now. She is the mother of two grown children and lives in Northampton, Massachusetts.
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