Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most FROM OUR EDITORS
Nobody tells you how to discuss the hard things. You may learn from your parents how to "play fair." You're taught that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, and a few other gems. But how are you supposed to know what to say to a boss who undermines you in a big meeting? What do you do when you keep having the same, but increasingly annoying, argument with your spouse? How about (my personal favorite) dealing with the noisy neighbors? Sometimes these conversations happen in a fit of anger, in which case not much usually improves. Sometimes we plan strategically with friends. Their advice, and our own ideas about how to broach difficult matters, come from experience, which is nothing to be scoffed at. But often we fret in nervous anticipation, stumble through a conversation, come away frustrated or fail to get the desired results. We are left to wonder: If we'd approached the issue differently, could we be better satisfied with the outcome?
Difficult Conversations is a new work by the Harvard Negotiation Project, the group that produced the bestselling Getting to Yes . This is a step-by-step guide to weathering conversational storms. It breaks down a conversation into three parts, illuminating the moments where misunderstandings arise. First, there is the "What Happened?" conversation. That's when you and your interlocutor each decide you are right, make assumptions about why the other person did what she or he did, and ascribe blame. Next, there's the "Feelings" conversation, in which many people do not think it's important to communicate—or successfully communicate—how the issue at hand affected them emotionally. Finally, there's the "Identity" part, which is the most subtle and complex. The Identity Conversation, the authors write, is "all about who we are and how we see ourselves. How does what happened affect my self-esteem, my self-image, my sense of who I am in the world?"
Sometimes we're confident that we've given the other person a fair chance, but here we learn how arguments emerge in spite of good intentions. Your husband embarrassed you in front of your friends; he apologized, but he didn't seem to understand why what he did was wrong, and the apology didn't make you feel any better. The tools in this book show us how to express what we wanted to express in the conversation, but in such a way as to understand about the other person, to learn why the issue emerged, and to manage the issue in a productive way. The authors refer to this as a "Learning Conversation."
The techniques in this book won't surprise you. Fine, you think, but yesterday when I blasted my kid for breaking his curfew, I was right. He was wrong. I showed him that such behavior was unacceptable. But will he break his curfew again? Probably. Is he pouting in his room or complaining to his friends? Likely. In spite of how familiar and sensible the advice in this book is, such logic tends to slip away at just the wrong moment. This is not a book you should cozy up with on a Sunday afternoon. This is a book you should use as a prep/pep talk, so that the night before you're planning to fire your assistant, break up with your boyfriend, or tell your sister you're contesting your father's will, you can remind yourself what to expect and how to manage your confrontation.
—Hilary Liftin
Hilary Liftin is the coauthor of Dear Exile.
ANNOTATION
Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations will help you at home, on the job, or out in the world. It is a book you'll turn to again and again for advice, practical skills, and reassurance.
FROM THE PUBLISHER
What is a difficult conversation?
Asking for a raise. Ending a relationship. Saying "no" to your boss or spouse. Confronting disrespectful behavior. Apologizing. Conversations we dread, and often handle clumsily as a result, are part of all our lives: in boardrooms and family rooms, across the negotiation table and the dinner table. Now, Difficult Conversations teaches us how to handle these dialogues with more success and less anxiety.
How does it work?
Based on fifteen years of research and consultations with thousands of people, Difficult Conversations pinpoints what works. The authors discovered that regardless of context, the same small but crucial errors are what trip us up — and a few key adjustments can make all the difference.
* The role of emotions — ours and theirs
* The impact of what is said and what is not said
* Why admitting our mistakes will put us in a stronger position
* The truth behind the myth that women are better at expressing their emotions than men
* How to respond productively in the face of personal attacks
Who is this for?
Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations is certain to be an instant and lasting classic for families, neighbors, bosses, employees, customers, tenants, landlords, psychologists, teachers, and more.
Who are the authors?
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen teach at Harvard Law School and at the Harvard Negotiation Project. They have consulted to countless businesspeople, governments, organizations, and communities including all parties to the negotiations on constitutional transition in South Africa; school teachers in Medellin, Colombia; and community leaders and the police department in Springfield, Massachusetts. They lecture throughout the world and have written on negotiation, conflict resolution, and communication. Bruce Patton is co-author of Getting to Yes.
FROM THE CRITICS
Library Journal
Stone and his coauthors, teachers at Harvard Law School and the Harvard Negotiation Project, present an informative, practical guide to the art of handling difficult conversations--e.g., firing an employee, ending a relationship, or discussing marital conflicts. The information is based on 15 years of research and thousands of personal interviews. The authors define a difficult conversation as "anything you find it hard to talk about." Each chapter recommends step-by-step techniques that can lead to a more constructive approach for dealing with distressing interactions, so that a difficult conversation can become a learning conversation. Examples of right and wrong conversations from everyday life are used throughout the book, which is extremely well organized and easy to follow. This will be appreciated by readers who wish to improve oral communication in all aspects of their daily lives. Recommended for self-help collections in public and academic libraries.--Elizabeth Goeters, Georgia Perimeter Coll., Dunwoody
WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING
My skepticism towards books like this runs wide and deep. But this is the brilliant exception. I've already re-read most of it. I'm using it. What more could a reader ask? — (Tom Peters, bestselling author of In Search of Excellence and The Pursuit of Wow!)
Emotional intelligence applied to life's tough moments. — (Daniel Goleman, bestselling author of Working with Emotional Intelligence)
The only people who shouldn't read Difficult Conversations are those who never work with people, anywhere. — (Peter M. Senge, bestselling author of The Fifth Discipline)
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